In 2003, I found a personal website belonging to a girl named Jacky. Without sounding too much like a creep, Jacky quickly became my internet idol. I got unreasonably excited when she put up new layouts because her design skills were to die for, and I treated getting linked on her website as the ultimate honour. It’s pretty dorky, I know… but being on the links list of your e-idols was a pretty big deal back in the day. That eventually lead to us becoming “blogging buddies”, I guess you could say.
In 2007, Jacky opened a message board called Snark. Naturally, as any good fangirl would, I joined. I was, originally, the 19th member… and thus began my downward spiral into complete and utter chaos. I would like to say I’m joking, but I really did lose my head for most of my stay at Snark. I “flounced” more times than I care to admit to, but I always went back. Snark literally had me addicted. I was an absolute shithead for the first few years I posted there, purely for the attention and then as a result of being a shithead, I spent the rest of my time there trying to redeem myself.
During my quest to come out smelling a little less like shit and more like roses, or maybe just a shit-covered rose, I made a few friends. Good friends. The kind that, despite living miles upon miles away, where always there for me. On the flip side, there were quite a few people who I really just could not stand. I tried to like them, because everyone else seemed to… but they just rubbed me up the wrong way almost every time they hit the post button.
I would find myself constantly arguing with one person in particular because no matter how much explaining I did, she couldn’t see where I was coming from. This is a regular, everyday occurrence for me in the ~real world~, so it wasn’t like it surprised me or anything. It was the way she went about her arguments that got to me. She talked down to me, like I was completely stupid for having a different opinion to hers and I just couldn’t move on from that. After one condescending response too many, I decided that I didn’t have to put up with her shit any more… and I left.
But when I left, I also left my friends. I didn’t intend for it to happen the way it did, but I was furious at them for validating the girl who was giving me grief. I look back at it now and realise that they probably didn’t see the condescension I saw, but I still felt betrayed by them at the time. So I snubbed them too, and then wrote a really horrible blog post in which I basically said I never liked any of them because they were bullies etc. None of which I actually meant. I was just really, REALLY angry. And now I’m regretful.
I let one person ruin about a dozen good friendships, and as much as I’ve tried not to let it bother me now that the bridges have been burned, it really does bother me. I am really goddamn bothered, so I sat down and wrote this blog entry… as if it’s going to magically make me less bothered1.
None of this would have happened if it weren’t for my massive e-crush on Jacky. Ha! I wish I could actually blame her instead of myself. I’m pretty sure I was dropped on my head as a baby.
- I’m still bothered, by the way!